Etiquette alert!

A Bride's Guide to Giving Back

By Beth Kujawski

There are few times in life when you're as gifted as a bride and groom. For heaven's sake, don't forget your manners.

That you must thank people is clearly stated in every book of wedding etiquette. Who you must thank and how is more open to interpretation (and subject to the size of your wedding and your budget).

Your appreciation can be conveyed with something as simple as a handmade thank-you note that can be a gift in itself, or you can up the ante and send more lavish, expensive mementos. Just remember, as with most gestures, it really is the thought that counts. Most of the people you gift will be touched that you're remembering their contribution to your day. What you spend on the gift is gravy.

Gifts for members of your wedding party are traditionally given at a bridesmaid's luncheon or tea and at a groomsmen's dinner.

Some couples choose to give gifts at bachelor and bachelorette parties, but as those affairs can become, oh, let's say, enthusiastic and may take place in several locations, gifts may get lost or left behind as the night wears on. The rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding is often the best time to pass out gifts. With your friends and family around you, it's a good opportunity to recognize your wedding party's contributions by making a toast to each recipient as you give them their gift. But what to give to whom?

Whatever you choose should be personal and permanent.

Christine O'Connor, a newlywed from LaGrange Park, Ill., says, "I've been an attendant in several weddings, and each time I received a set of jewelry, coordinated to the bridesmaid gown, that I've never worn again. For my own wedding, I wanted to give my friends something elegant yet practical, a little luxury item that they wouldn't buy for themselves, so I bought them Coach leather accessories."

Her husband, on the other hand, took a very non-traditional route. "After a lot of debating," O'Connor says, "Bill gave his groomsmen and ushers Best Buy gift cards. He really thought that that would be something any guy could use."

Tradition dictates that you should purchase any formal accessories for your wedding party, such as gloves, pearls or other necklaces, and earrings for the women, and studs, cufflinks, ascots, and ties for the men. But what you give is entirely up to you. In the more traditional vein, consider:

• A silver picture frame. You can include a note where the photo will go, explaining that you'll be supplying a photo of the wedding party when photographs are printed. To further personalize, have the frame engraved, but instead of opting for your wedding date or initials, consider a message of thanks or a quote about friendship.
• Champagne flutes or wine goblets. These can be etched with each of the initials of each member of the wedding party. Given in pairs, you can pass one of the set to each recipient for a toast, then return it to the box (later, after washing) with its mate to be taken home.
• Other items to consider for women: Personalized stationery and an engraved letter opener, perfume bottles and other vanity items, a charm bracelet with a charm chosen especially for each bridesmaid.
• Other items to consider for men: Money clip, leather wallet, pen, flask, shaving accessories.

You can gift the maid or matron of honor and the best man with the same things you choose for the rest of your wedding party, or you can buy them something slightly different (and slightly more expensive). They will likely have had more to do with helping you in the planning of your wedding (and shower and parties) and you may want to thank them with something extra special. "Bill's brother was extremely helpful in keeping everything organized and on schedule for the wedding day," O'Connor says, "so Bill purchased an extra gift for him on our honeymoon to express his thanks."

You can buy your flower girl and ring bearer anything they will need for the wedding -- jewelry, petticoat, bow tie -- but remember, they're kids. Consider a cartoon-character watch, a classic children's book, a favorite children's movie or a computer game.

More than likely, your parents will be the last ones who will expect anything from you as a token of thanks, and therefore will likely be the most surprised and touched by the gesture.

Anything you buy for the parents needn't be expensive, but it should be sentimental and lasting. You could invite them over to your home for dinner when you return from your honeymoon and present gifts them, or arrange to have gifts delivered the day after the wedding. Anything that can be engraved or etched will make a lovely reminder of the day, but use your own best judgment. The most important thing is that it will be something they can use or display and cherish. If mom and dad are casual sorts, an engraved crystal vase probably isn't the right gift.

Some brides and grooms decide that the wedding itself is their gift to each other. Others opt to purchase gifts for each other and exchange them the night before the wedding. Simple and sentimental: have something special inscribed inside your spouse's wedding band.

Anyone who opens their home in your honor or who arranges a celebration in recognition of your wedding deserves a thoughtful gift and thank-you note within a week or two of the event.

Generally, when a fee is charged, giving a gift of thanks is optional. "We felt that since our officiant, planner and other service providers were paid professionals, it wasn't necessary to give them a gift, too," O'Connor says. "However, we plan to follow up with personalized thank-you notes to express our appreciation for the outstanding work they did to make our wedding memorable."

Many people will play some role in your wedding preparations, celebrations, and the actual day. Don't forget to thank:

• Friends and family who provide accommodations or transportation for out-of-town guests
• Guest book attendant
• Person in charge of gifts brought to the reception
• Babysitters

If you're getting married again, consider a gift for the children.

Their age will dictate what's appropriate, but if you'd like to do something to mark the joining of your families, consider giving the children a family medallion, as suggested by Peggy Post, Emily Post's great-granddaughter-in-law and author of "Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette: Cherished Traditions and Contemporary Ideas for a Joyous Celebration, 4th Edition" (HarperCollins, 2001).

"The medallion, sometimes a circle with three intersecting circles inside, represents a promise of family love and inclusion. It is first blessed by the priest, minister or rabbi, who then shares with those gathered the meaning of the medallion. He then gives it to the parent to give to the children."