Second Time Style

By Bev Bennett

They've been there and done that - and they're doing it again. When it comes to second weddings, many brides march down the aisle to a bold new tune.

For many making the second trip down the aisle, the emphasis is on the "party" part of "wedding party."

If you think second-time brides are consigned to a discreet trip to the justice of the peace you've been watching too many old movies. Social protocol has changed plenty since Joan Crawford played the hardened divorcee in "Mildred Pierce."

For most adults the taboo against divorce is over and with it the need for modest subsequent ceremonies. You don't need to be Liza Minnelli, whose recent wedding (her fourth) made all the fan magazines, to rate an elegant wedding.

"Women were pretty much told they weren't supposed to celebrate second weddings lavishly. They weren't supposed to draw attention to their second weddings. It's so different now," says Julie Weingarden Dubin, a journalist who writes about weddings.

Pop culture may be responsible for the change, says Dubin. "When you look at magazines you see so many celebrities' weddings are second weddings. When you see second [time] brides in the national media, you know you don't have to tone it down," she says.

But there's also an almost superstitious sense that by having a blowout bash, you'll expunge bad memories of the first marriage. "They [brides] went through their share of pain. By the time they fall in love and want to marry again, they're ready to celebrate. I talk to brides who celebrate in full force," says Dubin, author of the upcoming book, "How to Plan an Elegant Second Wedding" (Prima Publishing, 2002).

In fact, for many brides making the second trip down the aisle, the emphasis is very much on the "party" part of "wedding party." "In response to the taboo of second weddings, brides will say 'I'm going to have the party I deserve,'" says Carley Roney, editor in chief of The Knot, an online wedding planning site. "If brides were demure the first time, they'll say being sheepish in the first [wedding ceremony] didn't work."

Whatever the style of your first wedding, you'll want to handle some things differently this time around.

Your first wedding was probably directed by your mother. This one is yours. You get to set the tone - from deciding whether to register for gifts, to choosing the dress to involving family members.

"If the first wedding was understated, you may go all out the second time," Roney says. The first wedding you wore what your mother wanted; the second time you'll wear what you want."

White is a symbol of joy, not virginity, according to Roney, so white gowns are fine; veils aren't. "Second brides aren't wearing 'blusher' veils. If they want a little something it may be a wisp," Roney says.

"Brides usually want to wear something completely different the second time. It may mean wearing something colorful, showing a little more skin; having a little more fun," Dubin says.

Whether you forego gifts is a matter of individual preference. Some couples split up their assets during a divorce and need the gifts, so they register. Says Roney, "Couples who remarry shouldn't be upset if people aren't as generous the second time around."

While some couples may decide not to accept gifts when a second marriage is involved, their families might not follow their wishes. For example, it may be the first trip down the aisle for the groom. "If the groom hasn't been married, his family will want to give gifts," says Dubin. "The bride may even have showers hosted by his side of the family."

Requests are different the second time around. Couples may have enough to furnish their households, but want gifts that reflect their relationship. They may register at a camping, pet or home repair store. Don't be surprised to see a tent or set of screwdrivers on a gift registry, according to Dubin.

Funding for the wedding also depends on the individual couple and their families. "The family may be so thrilled you got rid of your first spouse they're more agreeable to the second," Roney says. "Age is also a factor. If the couple is older and established, they'll pay for the wedding.

If you have grown children they may want to contribute by giving a rehearsal dinner or post-wedding breakfast for guests who stay on.

Because you're likely to have an extended family - including children and former relatives - you may have a longer calendar of festivities. Roney says destination celebrations, including a weekend at Disneyworld or in the Caribbean, are popular. The trip may be no more expensive than a blowout event at a nearby hotel.

You may tailor the traditions of the first wedding for your situation. For example, if you've been supporting yourself for 20 years, you're not likely to ask your father to walk you down the isle. After all, you're not being transferred from one protector to another.

Couples with children often walk down the isle as a family. Children are key to second marriages, says Dubin.

"When the second bride or groom is a parent, the children are involved. They may say a prayer or be involved in the vows. The bride and groom may exchange vows, then have a second set of vows to unite the family.

"Couples want a beautiful second wedding for their children. They want their children to have the memory," Dubin says.

Your Guest List

Wonder of wonders, you and your ex are still friends. But that doesn't mean he or she should show up at the wedding, say the experts.

"It's not advisable to invite your ex-husband, even if you have a great relationship. It may make your future husband feel uncomfortable. It may also make your children feel bad. They're supposed to accept their new father, but the first father is there," says author Julie Dubin.

Roney recommends you decide the former-spouse question based on your comfort level. Your ex may attend to help with your shared young children.

That brings up the question of the former in-laws. Invite your former in-laws only if you're inviting your former spouse, Roney says. If you're not inviting your ex or your former in-laws, inform them of your wedding plans.

"It's a thoughtful thing to do," says Roney