Get a Grip - But Keep Your Dreams

By Margaret Littman

If you're old enough to contemplate marriage, then you know what we're going to say: Life isn't perfect.

Sometimes -- let's face it, most times -- the real world doesn't follow the script for a dream wedding. What's a bride to do?

If you're old enough to be legally contemplating marriage, then you already know what we're going to say: Life isn't perfect. The hems fall out of dresses and men get pimples. Sometimes it rains on an outdoor wedding. Sadly, so many of today's blushing brides have such high, life-long expectations of what their wedding day should be, that they overlook the real-world fact that the road to a wedding (and the marriage itself) is littered with emotional and psychological stresses.

But there's no need to give back the ring. Before you say, "I do," even before you book the florist, stop to consider the psychological ups and downs of engagements and weddings. If you do, experts stress, it can help you cope with them. And then still have the happiest day of your life. Really.

When Sheryl Paul first started studying the transition period women go through when they get married, she did so as part of her master's thesis. Amid the dresses and the veils and the honeymoon planning, she found there were some things, aside from joy and bliss, that women were feeling, although they weren't talking about it.

"There is this very powerful cultural myth that the wedding is the pinnacle of joy in a woman's life," says Paul, who is the author of the new "Conscious Bride's Wedding Planner: How to Prepare Emotionally, Practically and Spiritually for a Joyous and Meaningful Wedding" (New Harbinger Press, 2003) $21.95. "Women also feel fear and anxiety, but the No. 1 statement I hear is that, "When I talk to my friends and family about this, they look at me like I am crazy."

Paul believes that all transitions, even positive ones like getting married, having a baby and being promoted, also involve an element of loss. You're giving up, respectively, your single life, eight hours of sleep, the safety of a job you've done well. While it's okay to lose those things, there is also sadness or mourning period that shouldn't be "glossed over."

"We live in culture that has a hard time with loss at times that should be happy, like graduation," she says.

This doesn't mean that you have to be morose, dressed in black and an all-around-downer to all who meet you in the weeks and months leading up to your nuptials. In contrast, Paul and others say that copping to the engagement blues can help you cope with them and enjoy the big day in the end.

Here are seven suggestions for keeping your feet planted in reality ground during the planning process:

Write in a journal. Paul thinks taking time to write about their feelings often gives women the excuse they need to think about them. Feel free to write about how you feel resentful of your parents, future in-laws or disinterested bridesmaids (just hide your journal well). But also write about how you feel about separating from your birth family and creating a new family with your sweetie.

Talk to your prospective groom. Remember him? Yep, this is about him, too. Tell him what parts of your single life you're sad to see go. Talk about what "for better or for worse" means to you. Talk about how you think your lives will be different once you tie the knotŸ and how you'll adjust when your guesses are off the mark. Some of the things you've sorted out in private while writing your journal may help you identify what you want to discuss.

Hire a wedding planner. This may seem to be the opposite advice you'd expect from people who are encouraging you to focus on the more emotional aspects of weddings and marriage. But Rev. John Connor, who has performed more than 75 weddings in Austin, Texas, suggests if you plan to have the horse-drawn carriage and all that goes with it, hire someone (someone other than your mom) to oversee the details. With a professional taking care of the catering and music and the color of the napkins, then you can concentrate on your relationship, and how to make it strong for decades to come.

Keep it simple, stupid. "The more complicated you make your wedding, "45 seconds after the first bridesmaid walks up the aisle, I will be arriving in a boat, [just] as the bagpiper hits his last note and the butterflies are released,' the more you are GUARANTEED a high-stress rehearsal and wedding," Connor promises.

Identify potential problem areas. Money differences, family issues and guest problems are the big three, says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., a Long Beach, Calif. psychotherapist and author of "How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free" (New Page Books, 2002) $13.99 and a number of other relationship books. If you suspect you're more willing to go into debt for your reception than your future spouse, get it on the table now. Such money differences will crop up again once you're married, and the better you figure out how to compromise now, the better you'll do it for the next 50 years. If the debate seems particularly heated, now might be a good time to meet with a financial planner to talk about long-term money strategies.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Jenny Lee, author of "I Do. I Did. Now What?! Life After the Wedding Dress" (Workman Publishing, 2003) $18.95, calls such everyday details as laundry and deciding what to have for dinner as "buzz kill" for newlyweds. Sure, you have to work out where to put the dirty socks (hint: not on the floor), but don't let the negotiating those details take away from the fun of being engaged and newly married.

Don't let go. A friend told Lee to hold on to her husband's hand during the whole wedding reception. That way, the couple would be experiencing the day together. Many couples get separated and end up spending their first night and husband and wife comparing notes.

"That was the best advice we got, because out wedding day was really a shared experience," Lee says.